I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
