I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
wanna go halves on a baby?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
