I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
