so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
