I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
