I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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