Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Panties = found
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