I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
