god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
