Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
