mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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