I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
