Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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