...so i touched it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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