So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
