Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize