Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize