You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
