Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
