Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
