So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
