So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
