it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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