It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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