I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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