dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
