My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
