Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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