his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize