She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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