Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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