God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
