walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
