thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize