I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
