do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
