Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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