I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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