don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
