he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
