i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
