Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
