My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
