note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize