Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Text me some of your sweat
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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