I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
