when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
