Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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