Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
