made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
she peed on how many people?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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