The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
