if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Jerry, you need to find god
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
