I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
