I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize