my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
