So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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