I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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