living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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